I do sometimes entertain the idea of what it would feel like to know independence.(year, month even a week) You see all my life I have had to rely on others to be secure, well and have some of my needs met. Gleaning words of hope to make it to the next moment.

People are not as kind or help to people with chronic illnesses.With that said, I have also endure their options of what to do, OH- and what I needed to do to get myself better ( medication has help, I believe God uses even that for his purpose), who to listen to, how I got in the state I was in. NOT FUN by the way. I was born with my condition; had my first attack at 6 weeks old. This lead to much pain in my life.  Thinking I was really crazy, because I was making myself ill and causing others not to live a full life because they were taking care of me.

Such news can be very devastating to hear when you are a child growing up. But with time for the medical community to catch up and God allowing me to see myself through his eyes. I am still one of those people who falls through the cracks for assistance. Depending on what day it is (mainly feeling isolate) I handle that fact ok.

But the Struggle is not allowing the enemy of my soul and the haters in exclusion to dictate who God sees me to be. As I seek in this new adventure in my life (finding where I fix in the big picture), I find I am learning there is volumes in silence. Not just being still, but resting in the silence while still while He is with me. The fellowship of His Presence is spectacularly moving, as I am aware that He sees me. Knows me. Invaluable to Him. Touches my spirit. I am not invisible to Him,  who had me in His heart from the beginning of time and He WANTS to be with me. He Loves Me.

So, feeling at times  abandon, widowed, orphaned, like I have the plague, invisible, plus wanting some independence at this time to make decisions of my own.

It has lead me to learn, to Trust and Depend On the One who loves me best. He knows where I am what I need and says I am His.

So in this space I am love

Well,
I find myself once again alone. A strange place to be again looking in the mirror of singularity. Finding myself not really busy but uncluttered and fruitful. I have however made some changes. Still having issues with technology, but learning and kicking in the 21st now.

I Don't remember if I said I'm a writer. A writer of children stories- unpublished- but a writer nun the
less. I can't remember not writing even as a moody child. I have been approach by people who will help you self publish "FOR A FEE", I shall never have. People on very fixed incomes can only dream of that. Someone told me not to do that (self publish), but I know people who have. BUT not children stories. Maybe I will put one of my stories on here, just to get it out. I wish I had mentor who knows how to get things published.

Well, I take that back; along time ago one of my stories was published with a flaw in an adult school publication. I went to the class to climb out of a pit of depression (classic therapeutic move). military wife far from home in poor health and feeling overwhelmed with the duties of life. In the Bay Area Adult Public Education was encouraged where I my family were living. I don't know what the reasoning was on the militaries part, but I and another military mom went (girls night out, we saved so we could have a babysitter). Math and English, either of which I had and issue with (my grandmother said "hmmmm:) I went for a moment to just hit pause  for  two hours. half hour there, hour for classes, half hour home. Did not get to go back after the quarter duty call my husband else where, Military life has a lot of challenges.

I digressed again LAUGH OUT LOUD (LOL)
I have an Ipad now-giggles.
I am using my PC Laptop to look at YouTube to earn how to use it, LOL. I go get it out of the room I pray in and go class, my favorite part of my self imposed class is the " REPLY Button" LOL LOL
Well at least I am learning.
My friend told me "Wait till you get to the Apps. You will love them"
UHG